fear of the unknown

I've neglected my blog for 10 long months. i have so much to say. So much has happened since the last time i posted. For starters, Gianna is officially 2 and half.  We've moved out of our little single and purchased a house. We recently found out I'm expecting baby #2! However, at my 12 week ultrasound (July 25th)  i was given the news that our baby might be born with a chromosome abnormality or heart defect. This was due to a high NT (nuchal Translucency) reading of 5.5mm. The normal reading needs to be under 2mm. which meant that 5.5 wasn't considered borderline or high. it was "extremely high".

After i was initially told i felt like the entire weight of the world was on my shoulder. I was immediately referred to a genetic counselor who explained all the doom and gloom of what could possibly be wrong with our baby. The first thing i was told was that a high NT reading is usually a marker for a baby with down syndrome or other chromosomal abnormality. She explained a few other syndromes (Trisomy 13, Edwards, noonan, turners). All of this was new to me. I sat in that office in utter shock and disbelief. i couldn't believe that in the blink of an eye my pregnancy had gone from normal to high risk. I was given options of what tests i could do. i was told that even if test came back normal for chromosome abnormalities then the baby would most likely have a heart or neuro tube defect or something wrong with the organs. before walking out of that office i asked the GC what the chances that this could all be an error were. she replied "20%". which meant i had an 80% chance that my baby would have some sort of health issue. I was given a 1 in 5 chance for down syndromes and 80% chance for other defects.

I called my husband and broke the new to him and i immediately lost it. then I called my mom and cried some more. I went on line and researched everything i could and what i found scared me. Things I've never heard of. quality of life, life expectancy, spina bifida, skeletal dysplasia, heart defects..... i opted to have a CVS done. The CVS would determine if the baby had all 46 chromosomes and rule out most chromosome abnormalities IF the results came back normal. i couldn't go on without knowing what, if anything was wrong with our baby. I wanted to prepare myself. The CVS was scheduled on my 30th birthday (July 30th). My husband, who i can't say enough good things about sat with me in that office as we waited to be called in. We met with a genetic counselor again and once again she explained everything that could be wrong. The procedure was uncomfortable but bearable. it took about 10 minutes. We were told that we would have results in about a week. The next few days were the longest ones ever. I spend the rest of the day on bed rest. The next day I went into work and tried keeping my mind off of things. In the following days my husband and i talked about the possibility of having a baby with a disability. Our fear was no longer in the disability itself but in our ability to be able to raise a child that could have a mild or severe disability. What scared us the most and made us even more sad was knowing that 1. if it was something severe, the life expectancy would be very short and we'd have to endure the loss of our child. 2. that one day Manny and/or me would pass away and we'd leave a child with a disability to be cared for by someone else. We knew that no one, no matter who it was would love and care for our child the way we would.

 The following week i got the call from the genetic counselor. I answered and she said "i have some good news! The baby has all 46 chromosomes and if you'd like to know the sex we can tell you right away?" Yes I'd like to know.... "you're having a boy!" getting that news felt like some of the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was relieved and so grateful. Hurdle #1 had been overcome. In the weeks that have followed i have had additional test done. they've ruled out most chromosome abnormalities now as well as spina bifida. Our next hurdle is the anatomy scan and fetal echo cardiogram. we're putting our faith in God that he is working his magic and making sure our baby is born healthy. We have a strong support system and lot of prayers from friends and family.

The difference a year makes

It's amazing the difference a year makes. Last October you were a little chubby 8 month old when we took you tithe pumpkin patch. This year you're an active toddler. We took you to the same pumpkin patch as last year but you definitely enjoyed yourself more this time around. From looking and petting the goats, to jumping in the jumper, to picking out pumpkins. It was such a joy to see you enjoy yourself baby G. I'm trying to make great memories for you. I want you look back and see how much you're loved. I want you to have the best childhood I can possibly give you. I hope I'm doing a good job. 

A shimmer of light

Dear Damian,

On Thursday (8/22) your mom asked my mom to meet her at the park. She said he wanted to talk. From my moms account he said that your mom was actually being nice. She was very different than the person we usually encounter. She told my mom that she didn't want you to not have a relationship with us or your dad. She agreed that she would let us see you.

Letters to Damian

Dear Damian,
After more than 1 week, your grandmother contacted your other grandmother (your dad mom). Again with lies, saying your dad was being aggressive when he called her. I can assure you that your dad only contacts her with the intention to see you. when he was told by your grandma that she hadn't heard or seen you or your mother in over a week and had no idea where you were the only logical thing to do at that point was get the police involved. Obviously your grandmother doesn't want your dad calling the cops on your mom so that upset her. all of a sudden your grandmother had contact with your mom and was able to get her to the police station. i wish this nightmare would end!

Dear Damian

This blog was initially going to be dedicated to Gianna (your baby cousin) to document her milestones. However I've decided to include letters to you. For reasons beyond my control your mom and dad are having a bitter custody battle. It started last September. I can't tell you what happened because the only person that really knows is your mother. She has her version and whether its true or not its the only account anyone has of that nights events. It would forever change our life's.

Your mom and dads relationship has always been volatile. As your dads older sister I always tried to be the voice of reason. In October 2010, before your mom and dad told me they were expecting you, i got married. I clearly remember that on my wedding day I sat down with both of them and told them they if they were going to make it work they had to do it for reals this time. No more fighting, no more arguing, no more bickering! I could've sworn I got through to them. A few weeks later your dad told me he was going to be a dad again. I was excited! I was really rooting for them to make things work. And for your moms entire pregnancy it seemed that things were going to be fine. However when you arrived things changed. You have a step brother from your dads previous relationship. Your mom started having a problem with your dad spending time with him. It caused many problems and in December 2011 they separated.    It was a struggle trying to see you for a few months. Your mom accused our family of doing horrible things. Attacked my mom ( your grandma) of horrible things on a private moms group on Facebook. This went on for a few months. Then in March 2012  your mom started coming around again and we were once again allowed to see you. Despite all the things she said and accused our family o,f we decided to put it aside and start fresh. We were just happy we got to see you. Around this time your mom had a falling out with your grandmother Selena and uncle. She was kicked out of their house and her things were thrown on the street. Your grandmother (Selena) told her she had no shame. She moved in with your dad who at the time was staying with your grandma (Lupe). Despite everything she accused your grandma of and all the horrible things she said about her, your grandma never denied her access to the house. You and your parents lived with them for a few months. Then your parents got a place of their own in September 2012. Less than a week after they moved out with you, our hell began.

Since that night things have been an uphill battle. Your dad is not perfect but i can assure you he is trying to do everything in his power to do things right. Unfortunately your mom and grandmother are making things very difficult not only for him but for our family. your mom accuses your dad of ludicrous things. Made up lies. She claims he doesn't try to see you. says he harasses her family. When in reality he is obeying the court order your mom set up.

Yesterday your dad had to go to the sheriffs office because your mom was not letting him see you. Your grandmother told him she was mad at her and moved out of the house and had not heard from her in weeks. apparently that was another lie because while your dad was at the police station trying to figure out what he could do, your mom showed up with you. Your grandmother also threatened your dad, telling him that if he went to the sheriffs office she would never speak to him again or let him see you.

Damian, i hope you understand when your older that your dad is trying his hardest to be in your life. It seems that the only time your mom and grandmother are nice to us or your dad is when your birthday comes around. Your grandmother has even told your dad to try to fight for custody of you. she claims a few months ago your mom left the house and took you, when she returned that night she was drunk out of her mind and didn't remember where she left you. I just don't understand them. they turn against each other and then they team up to try to bring your father down.

I don't know what else to write at this point. it breaks my heart that we can't have a civil relationship with them for the sake of you. It breaks my heart that perhaps your dads only choice might be to just stop trying. But then your mom would have the "privilege" of saying he's a dead beat dad and abandoned you. Just know Damian that if things don;t work out and your' denied a relationship with your dad it wasnt because he didn't want to. It was because he wasn't allowed to due to your moms constant lies and attempts at getting him in trouble.

Know that we love you and we're just hoping for a solution to all this. 

Blessing

Baby G,

Today was a very special day! You were officially introduced to the Catholic Church! On this day you were baptized. You looked beautiful in your dress. You weren't as bad as I thought you'd be. You behaved quite well. After church, your grandparents, ninos and us headed to eat some yummy oaxacan food :-) there was no party because I don't think a baptism is about throwing a party. It's about receiving a blessing. Here are some pictures. 

Marriage......

It's tough man! recently i feel like my relationship has hit a bit of a bump in the road. I'm overwhelmed to say the least. With work, with family, with life in general. Keeping the balance and everyone happy is close to impossible. My relationship with my husband is suffering and i'm not sure if it's him, me or both of us. i'm trying to take it one day at a time but that's proving hard to do. i always heard people say the first year of marriage is the hardest. i experience the opposite. it was the easiest for me. However, now that we have a baby it changed the dynamics of our relationship and it's been tough to adjust. not to my mom new role  but to my WORKING mom role.I'm taking it one day at a time but somethings gotta give. let's just hope it's not my marriage.